Enter this for a chance to get it on DVD. The question is hysterical.

Will post any other competitions to win the vid that crop up. But please go out and buy copies for everyone you know (ideal Valentine's gift...). Other than the clearly brilliant and incisive advice about sex in different positions (including oral and anal positions), if you turn the sound down then you can watch it for the copulating couples. There's full penentration and everything.

But obviously, you'll be buying it for the sex advice.*

Oh, and there are several vox pops being read out by me in there too.

*It really is educational, honest.

Things a woman should never do for free

This week has been stupid; one minute world crashing in, another minute everything fine again (or even ace).

There have been horrible fuck ups, shouting matches, more cock-ups, more shouting matches, car crashes, legal issues, stupid deadlines and me being at the heart of things, cos whether or not the fuck ups are my fault, as editor, they *are* my responsibility to put right...

...which I have. And there's been free champagne, fab undie shopping, great meetings, cool conversations and good friends being utter bloody stars.

I hate bouncy weeks. OK, they're better than weeks that are entirely full of low spots but I like things to be relatively even paced; even fast paced. But my emotions being dragged in every direction is a very sucky thing.

On the plus side, I have been reminded:

a) Life isn't workand work isn't life, no matter how many hours you do.
b) Sleep is essential
c) Having good friends and the best bloke in the world makes me very fucking lucky indeed.

It was a typical day for me. Got up. Did magazine stuff. Went for meeting with a stripper.

She's ace. She used to be an alternative comedienne. She also runs the London School of Striptease, teaching people (surprising enough) how to strip.

Ended up shopping for lingerie with her. Strippers know where to get all the best lingerie. Got a fab red Calvin Klein set and some seriously cute pairs of knickers for under £30. Am happy.

Then, I got home and fell in love. The boiler man came round. We have hot water. I had a looooooong bath (not with boilerman - that would have been too grateful. Did give him glass of champagne though.)

Baths rule.

Interesting approach.

I decided to break my usual habit and write some erotica rather than just pure smut. Asked my mate who runs Satin Slippers if she could put it on the site as it wasn't my usual style and wasn't sure if it was Cliterati material. Decided it probably was afterwards, so it's now there too but Satin Slippers is an ace site, hence sending you there instead (cos anyone into reading smut who reads this blog will hopefully have already visited Cliterati) This is the story.

Would love to know what you think as it's the first time I've written erotica. <standard health warning> But please don't read it unless you're legally old enough.</standard health warning>

It was odd, writing a piece that is supposed to be sexy without actually getting graphic. Am used to using the word cunt at least ten times in a story. But I enjoyed doing it.

This will probably make me sound like a poncy wanker but I like the craft of writing as much as the art of it. While Cliterati stuff is fun because I can write in whatever way I want to (no word limit or style guides except ones I've made up) I really enjoy having to write to brief because it's more challenging (Let's face it, the Daily Star, More! magazine, Lovers' Guide and Revolution are all pretty different publications so I have to change style a fair bit. And then there's writing video and radio scripts, both of which are different disciplines again - from writing features and from each other. And web writing, which is different again.)

There's a feeling of satisfaction in writing a script that fits perfectly to time (three words per second is standard rule but things like email addresses take longer to say, so if they're in a thirty second ad, you have about 85 words rather than 90 words.) There's something fun about writing a piece in someone else's house style and getting it right.

I love my job so much.

Anyway, wittering on about writing aside, boiler problem now getting chronic. Have managed to get two baths out of it by allowing bath (literally) to drip 'full'. Well, three inches deep. And lukewarm. And it takes about a gazillion kettles of water to fill the bath - too many for me to have time to do it. Is easier if also have saucepans to use. But they're all dirty as lack of water means no washing up can get done. (There are some perks.)

Other half true hero yesterday. I had evil cramps (god, being a woman is fun) and he made me a bath. Despite being up to his ears in work and not having slept due to workload for 36 hours. And unprompted.

Better than diamonds.

(Though did have crate of champagne arrive today from someone I'd done a favour for. Champagne also good.)

If you've read my blog before, here's a challenge for you. Today, did repro:

a) Make my life hell
b) Not

Go on, just guess.

That aside, have been immersed in endless work things; sending over invoices (they need to be faxed, not emailed, as it's 'too complicated' in email. Now, the woman I send them to is lovely and I've got no grudge against her at all. She's been a total dream to work with. But I have been shown that email is not universal. Why should it be. It's only been around for thirty years.) subbing articles, the usual fun stuff.

Still, I suppose stressful days are good to show you what not being stressed is like.

Today, a porn star came round to record a voice tape (Other half used to be a newsreader and do voice training; porn star had good voice.)

Shortly before he arrived, the boiler exploded.

I couldn't resist.

Come on, how many times in life do you have a porn star coming round who you can ask to fix the boiler?

So earlier this week I had the blahs and couldn't figure out why. I've also been a tad irrational this week . Now you'd think, having got to the age of 28, that I'd have got used to PMT (OK, didn't start getting it till I was about 26 but still, two years should be enough time to learn.) You'd think I'd recognise the symptoms and lock myself in a box. With chocolate. And cups of tea. And pictures of kittens to sob over.

But oh no. I feel rubbish for a week, have had loads of heavy conversations with people that I had no need to have (and some that I did need to have - with my friend who's got MS, for example.) and it takes me until now to realise it's my hormones.

Now of course, had anyone levelled that accusation at me before I realised - particularly if they were male - the response would have been a vehement 'No it's not fucking PMT.' Because that's what women do. And, to be fair, there are few things more annoying than a bloke claiming a woman's pre-menstrual when she's not and she's just angry (which they do. Not all female anger is PMT, boys.)

I have no understanding as to why PMT ws created. But will issue one warning. Any comments along the lines of 'to make men suffer.' will attract outpouring of vitriol. And it won't be because I've got fucking PMT. Alright?

DarlingBri: The Boyfriend Application

I know her. She's a babe. I'd recommend applying.

Call me, baby.

Went out tonight, having taken six iron pills and still feeling down. Then got a sense of fucking perspective. I was out with a 36 year old mate. Who, it transpires, has just being diagnosed with MS. And her boss - or at least the guy who controls the purse strings - is being an utter cunt*.

She found out there was a risk she may have MS a little while ago and had to go to get tested. From that point, his attitude towards her changed. She said - having had an MS attack - her first major one - that she'd like to work from home for three days a week this month as she was recovering from her attack (this is not unusual for her - not because of attacks but because she's always worked from home a lot.)

For the first time ever, this became an *issue*. Because he needed to communicate with her more by seeing her in the office. Despite the fact that he's in the office less than she is.

She got diagnosed. He started talking about winding down the company because they were 'running out of funds' (within a week of being told that MS is exacerbated by stress). Sensitive. But when she said 'OK, I'll get the wheels in motion' he backed off, she thinks, because he wants his mate to run the company, not a 'disabled' person. And given the facts she gave me, I'm inclined to agree with her interpretation.

All I noticed about her was that she was a lot slimmer and healthier looking than the last time I saw her (has changed her diet and given up smoking due to MS). She has no signs of any kind of 'impairment'. She's as quick, bright, funny and articulate as she was a month ago.

But then she wasn't 'disabled'.

And now, in his eyes, she is.

Cunt*.

* (No offence meant to cunts - I get a lot of pleasure from mine.)

It's another work-filled day. I've just landed another commission for the Daily Star (becoming quite a regular thing, which is nice) and my column came out in Revolution without a single word changed, which was cool. Got all my stuff written for the first eight issues of the Lovers' Guide mag too, putting me seven issues ahead (editorially - design is another matter) Oh, and the Lovers' Guide mag is now in shops (has been since Monday in most places - was supposed to be Friday) - though some newsagents are putting it on the top shelf, which is a bit of a pain. It's not *that* rude (no pubes or erections) - more educational than titillating. Though the models are lovely, of course.

I've got Marie Claire magazine coming round to photograph me for a feature later this week and I've just done an interview with the Daily Mail (!) about women's attititude to sex. Also booked in to do LBC again - I like doing radio. Just got a friend a slot on there too, doing the 'Lesbian London' round-up on Tuesday evenings (8.15pm, I think, on 97.3FM). And I've been emailed about possibly going on TV too.

Saw the Lovers' Guide video TV advertising yesterday - is *ace*. Dead sexy.

All in all a good day. So don't quite understand why I'm feeling down. Iron pills required, I feel (best cure I've found for depression). After all, I've got work to do.

So, did the whole video watching thing. Was a good party, as lack of entry to blog yesterday suggests. Much wine was imbibed.

Much.

Much.

Particularly by me as was bricking it at actually showing my mates 'my' video (particularly given my voice over).

Had to do two 'sittings' as flat too small for 35 people. People seemed to like it. They clapped. (And most meeja mates of mine are cynical as hell so would have said if they thought it was shit. I hope.) So, pay heed to this ad:

As the designer of the leather dress was at the party (and because I'll get into it at any opportunity) I tried it on. However, really doesn't go with stockings due to the length. But was pissed so quite happily wandering round like a trollop. And as I got some pics done when I was at the shoot (I love the photographer and make up artist for staying late to sort them out) here's a (slightly more decent) pic of said dress:

Then again, it was generally a trollopy kind of party; whether because of the wine or watching the Lovers' Guide vid, the mood was vaguely saucy. There was much trying on of my sluttiest clothes (Tip: Don't let women who are younger and more gorgeous wear your clothes. Is very good way to flush self esteem down toilet) Numerous people have mailed me asking for various people's numbers. Random snogging seemed to be happening pretty much everywhere at some stage or other. And as to what was happening in the bedroom... well, let's just say was adequate inspiration for a good few Cliterati stories.

Food went down well too.

Sounds like rubbish to me

Ananova - Women's taste in men 'flavoured by pill'

So tomorrow I'm doing a kind of unofficial media screening thing of the Lovers' Guide video; Sunday lunch followed by the vid. It spiralled rather out of control. There are now 35 people coming.

On the one hand, this is a good thing as it means loads of people are seeing the vid (and I can catch up with lots of people I haven't seen in ages). On the other hand, it means I'm currently cooking rather a lot of food.

Decided to go with Greek/Moroccan hybrid as is good for feeding lots of people. So far today I've cooked:

- Lamb and pinenut meatballs
- Chilli and lamb kofte
- Moroccan garlic meatballs
- Lamb, chickpea and white wine stew
- Lamb, ginger and aubergine stew
- Moussaka

Still to go:

- Chicken Tajine
- Hummous
- Veggie moussaka
- Roast vegetables
- Chickpea salad
- Cous cous with a gazillion herbs
- Rice salad
- Garlic mushrooms
- Veggie casserole
- Raspberry mousse
- Chocolate mousse
- Pistachio crescents

Am actually loving it - makes a change to be doing something non-work related (kind of) and cooking is seriously relaxing. However, am a tad worried about having enough bowls to fit everything into (went for the sensible option on plates; got paper ones. No way I'm doing *that* much washing up.)

Well, after Wednesday's events, when nudity-blindness absoultely didn't kick in because the male models were just so gorgeous (and is very hard to remain blase when an extremely well built - in every sense of the word - model is chatting to you about the next shot with his erection nudging against your thigh. Am very proud of self for managing to keep my mind on the job. Or at least, articulating clearly while mind was otherwise engaged.) I was relieved to find that the nudity-blindness came back for yesterday's shoot and I could focus on the job in hand.

(Forgot to mention the highlight of Wednesday's shoot. In one of the group scenes, we needed to hide one of the bloke's cocks. Our model took one look at him and hid it in her mouth. He responded rather eagerly. Though luckily not so eagerly that we had to get her make-up touched up.)

Yesterday, it was all the tricky shoots; sex outdoors, on stairs, in the office; fantasies and roleplay; fun with food and body paint. Lots of awkward shots to co-ordinate. Luckily, the models were totally cool (well, one bloke made a plank of wood look animated but am beginning to think you always get one of them on a shoot. We focussed on his body rather than trying to get any facial expressions out of him, mainly because he only had one facial expression.)

By noon, I'd seen a 'naughty nurse' seduce her patient, two beautiful girls 69 (had to get one girl to hide her hands as had long nails - not a good thing for accurate lesbian representation, I felt. Though I do know some lesbians with talons, is generally a sign of a naff porno film when two perfectly manicured women have fingers flying around the place - dread to think of the occupational hazard entailed.) and seen loads of variations on the oral sex thing. Then, we were onto the location stuff.

Spent about an hour trying to figure out how to get the props for the office scene. Then realised that we were in an office block and it was lunchtime. Am very pleased that the person whose desk we used didn't get back from lunch early as they may have been a tad surprised.

Tried doing some outdoor shots on the river but kept getting disturbed by people and didn't want to break the law, so gave up on that and clambered up to the roof. Am very impressed the models managed to look aroused given their state of undress and the frankly freezing temperature.

The whipped cream fight was fun. When I'm art directing, I always prefer people to respond naturally rather than fake shots, so I got the models into the appropriate outfit (pants, so they could roll around at will without us having to do the 'cock out of shot' thing), got them on the bed, handed the female (such a beautiful woman - and a Stringfellow's stripper no less) the can of squirty cream and said 'Right, now wrestle for control of the cream. Whoever gets the can, gets to cover the other one with cream. I think it was a tie, judging from the amount of cream both of them were covered in by the end of the set. And then we got the shower shots...

And on a similarly sex-related note, Cosmo are looking for sex tips, so if you've got any top turn ons that you reckon other people could benefit by learning about, the below may be of interest:

Cosmopolitan magazine (UK) is looking for couples to talk about the turn-on that always works for them; foreplay, position, prop, whatever. It involves a phone interview and a small picture. Your time will be paid for. Interested? Contact flic.everett@clara.co.uk asap

oh bondage up yours! - good girls, bad girls, and why fantasies matter. (This and below link from Gracie on Adult Backwash)

Personalised vaginal fridge magnet anyone?

Yep, it was one of those 'watch people get naked and do rude things' days. As ever, came away laden with anecdotes to bore people with.

- Total babe (such a lovely person too) turned up to her first ever shoot with blokes (a fact I only found out at end of day) to be asked to do a group scene - 2M/2F. Her first shot was sitting on a bloke's face while snogging a bird who was being done from behind. All simulated but nonetheless, I was impressed she didn't pipe up 'Err, can we start tamer?'

It transpired later that she got a First in languages at uni last year. She gave a great diatribe on why people who say she's been exploited have inherently exploitative viewpoints themselves.

- Found out that one of the birds on the shoot had chlamydia. She'd discovered it by reading the second issue of the Lovers' Guide magazine and recognising the symptoms. So have saved at least one person (possibly a fair few more given her line of work) from having an STI (or at least ensuring she got it fixed and didn't pass it on) which is cool.

- Discovered male porn stars can be rather flirtatious. Which was nice as they were both utterly gorgeous.

- Managed to persuade one of the men to be photographed firstly in women's underwear and then fucking a hoover. Needless to say, the latter shot was to illustrate things not to do.

Most of the day was spent laughing (partcularly during the group scenes) which is always a good way to spend a day.

So I did the shopping thing. Sadly, the plastic lobster wasn't to be found (there's a surprise). However, did get some top finds in the charity shops and various other cool things in the sales. Total yield:

- Black PVC thigh-length coat (£12.50)
- Deeply sexy/trashy diamante studded suspender belt and stockings (reduced from £17 to £7.50 and so gorgeous am very tempted to keep. Yes, could use them for the shoot but they are lovely and had too much stuff go missing on last shoot to be sure I'd get them back)
- 3 pairs of hold ups and 4 pairs of stockings (£18.50)
- A virginal white cotton nightie (£20)
- A gorgeously slutty pair of fingerless fishnet gloves (£6.99)
- Massage oil (£4)
- Dictation pad (99p)
- 'Wench-like' puffy sleeved white top (£5) Couldn't find a virginal skirt so will have to get photos of said wench mid-corruption. Then again, couldn't find Lord of the Manor stuff at all so will have to be quite well on way to being corrupt anyway...
- Studded black leather choker (£5)
- Dark green and very slinky crochet/mostly holes top (£9.50)
- Very short black leather skirt (£6)

An entirely trollopy wardrobe for under £100. Not that I'll be tempted to wear any of it after the shoot of course...

Called the photographer to see if he had any props and he'd got a first aid kit, so that's our kinky doctor/nurse sorted (OK, they'll have to be naked but what the hell). He's also got some face paints that can double as body paint. Remembered that there's a crop and handcuffs I can borrow from the studios. Can improvise spanking stuff with hands or a ruler. Am guessing that it would be over-cruel to use gaffa tape in place of bondage tape though...

Am now going to forrage in cupboards for scallop shells. Sure I have some. And just because they've been used as ashtrays, doesn't mean we won't be able to make them look like aphrodisiacs with some careful use of greenery. Am also sure there's a shaving brush somewhere in the house. (I wasn't going to pay £25 for a prop and that was the cheapest one I could find.)

Quick shopping trip in the supermarket opposite the studios for tampons, asparagus, cucumber, strawberries, chocolate, oysters and possibly some squirty cream and should be done.

Still a shame about the plastic lobster though.

Another great link from Stuart. Apparently breasts are the new fashion for men. Will have to let all my male mates know that their beer consumption will turn them into fashion icons.

BBC NEWS | Health | Concern over 'intimate checks'

Today, I got through the alumni magazine for my old university. I think I was pissed when I signed up to receive it. Is full of lots of sport-obsessed nonsense (much as Loughborough itself was; luckily it also had a great bar and brilliant events. Oh, and very good educational standards.)

However, the thing that disturbed me to most was the strapline: 'Loughborough is for Life'. It just sounds so threatening. I'm not sure whether it reminds me more of the 'A dog is for life not just for Christmas.' or the old 'Herpes is for Life.' stickers. Either way, these are probably not the kind of things the marketeers were aiming for when no doubt spending vast sums on branding the university.

Other than being reminded of my student days, writing another article (this time for More! magazine. Woo-hoo - proper sex writing stuff. Albeit slightly different in tone to my usual stuff.) I've been planning a shopping trip. Yes, today I get to shop as work. It's the photoshoot tomorrow so I need to find various lewd things. LoveHoney have provided me with sex toys (bringing total number currently in the house to 13. Feel things may be getting excessive when a multipack of batteries doesn't even come close to filling your toys.

However, toys aside, I still need to buy the following today:

• Skimpy but not tacky lingerie


• Serving wench outfit


• Lord of the Manor outfit


• Doctor and nurse outfits


• Random fetish clothes


• First Aid kit


• Plastic lobster


• Asparagus


• Strawberries


• Cucumber


• Oyster shells


• Chocolate


• Riding crop


• Bondage tape


• Paddle


• Blindfold


• Massage oil


• Body paint


• Shaving kit including big fluffy brush


• Sexy undies big enough for bloke to fit into


• Box of tampons


• Dictation pad

Odds of me getting hit by a bus on way home higher than they've ever been before.

Thanks to Stuart for sending me this Vibrating tampon link. What more could a woman want?

So we got this story submitted to Cliterati... it didn't contain any punctuation except ellipsis... with breathy gasps... and lots of touching... and stroking... and every time the action changed... the ellipses were there to illustrate the passion... I think I must have removed thirty... yes... thirty... of the buggers from the piece. Who is teaching people grammar these days and how come they're missing out on basic stuff like this...?

Gah! That was hard to write. But it was even more irritating having to remove them from the story. Also had to edit out the word 'clitty'; surely one of the unsexiest words ever (though 'panties', 'gusset' and 'hairy quim' are all pretty grim too)?

In other Cliterati news, had something really quite unpleasant submitted to the site. Some filthy bastard has confessed his exhibitionism, wherein he rubs his cock into erection in the shower then walks out so that his twenty-something cleaner can see it (he gives a variety of other scenarios too). Shock news, freakazoid. You're an abusive bastard. Showing your bits to someone without their permission and getting off on it makes you a nasty piece of shit. Some of those women may well have been scared. What gives you the right to get your kicks at their expense? And submitting the story of your perverted thrills to a sex site for women anonymously just makes you even more scum-like. I'm glad that I've got lots of male friends to remind me that not all men are sick fucks.

Spot the Gif-erence.

Wired News: When Sub-Pop Meets Porn

Someone's got a lot of it on their hands. A really quite impressive list of male masturbation techniques of varying complexity.

'Elbow Room' is particularly intriguing a and will make me look at men with rolled up sleeves in a whole new light.

So I did the interview with the women's magazine for the mother/daughter feature. It's all about the similarities and differences between myself and my mum at 28 (the age I am now). It was a fun interview but made me realise both how much and how little I know about my mum.

At my age, I know my mum was married (having been divorced already) and had two kids. That's easy enought to work out even with a basic grasp of maths.

She was also running her own business and generally working like a blue-arsed fly. But I really couldn't answer the question "So what did your mum think of casual sex when she was 28." It's not the kind of thing, however open you are with each other (and my mum and I are the classic 'more mates than mum and child' kind of middle class mother/daughter pairing) that you know. Could hazard a guess to what her attitude is now, but hell, I was four when she was 28. It's not the kind of conversation you have.

"Did you like reading Janet and John today, Emily?"
"Yes, but what I really want to know is what you think of casual sex. And then can I watch Mr Ben please, mummy."

We moved on to how many one night stands I've had. Does anyone actually answer those questions? My attitude to one night stands is that they're inherently pointless; you can tell when you snog someone whether there's enough chemistry (and general skill) to make it worth shagging them. So, if they're going to be crap, don't do it in the first place. And if they're good, why leave it at just the once?

And thus, I evaded the question entirely.

Called my mum afterwards (she's got her interview tomorrow so I wanted to warn her about the questions.) and did discover something that I found mildly amusing. She doesn't visit Cliterati in case she sees anything that turns her on as she'd find it weird.

Am very relieved. There are some ideas that, no matter how broadminded you are, you don't want to entertain. I may be being overly prudish but somehow, the idea of my own mother masturbating - to stories that I'd written - is one such idea.

Did some more writing today (shock horror); writing 'Sex Confessions' for a glossy. Was very very toned down compared to my usual filth - and subsequently far harder to write. Stream of consciousness smut is infinitely easier than stuff with a plot and implication/suggestion but no graphic detail. Fun to write though, because it actually feels like I'm working. Apologies cos this sounds poncy as hell but I like the craft of writing as much as the art of it, so I enjoy anything that stretches me into writing out of my normal style. Shit. That does sound poncy. All I can do is promise I'm not one of those people who sits round, inverted commenting things with my hands and talking about my 'art'.

Art aside, have noticed for the first time ever that January is partwork season. Chances are this is something that everyone else realised ages ago, but I never did, until now when I've got a partwork of my own (kind of) coming out.

One such partwork is the Horrible Histories; something that's quite cool cos I knew Terry Deary (the author of 'Horrible Histories') when I worked at ABCtales as he was involved with the kid's version of the site. He's a top bloke; the classic grufff Northerner with an ace sense of humour. I urge anyone with kids to buy the book, partwork and everything else because it focusses on the stuff kids really like about history; the gore and nastiness. It's also very funny and great for introducing kids who hate reading to books.

Anyway, dropped him a line to say hi and see if he fancied a beer. Was dead chuffed when he replied, 'cos I wasn't sure whether he'd remember me (although he did send a very sweet text message when I left ABCtales saying I'd be missed).

Beer drinking is looking very unlikely in the near future because he's about the busiest man in the world (last time I checked, he had about a zillion books out translated into every language in the world, was winning about one award a week and had numerous TV projects going, including one with a very famous comedian which I am so looking forward to watching and will be gratuitously plugging as soon as it's on air in the UK, as, having heard the synopsis, it will be compulsive viewing.)

But we are going to exchange partworks.

"Hi darling, I butchered your lover."
"Oh, that's wonderful. Marry me."

WTF???

Today, it's back to subbing. I've got three out of my four couples sorted for the photoshoot on Tuesday so no longer need to spend the bulk of the day looking at pictures of naked people. I know I keep saying it's not as exciting as it sounds but I now have someone else who agrees with me. One of the blokes on the team had to do a piece on porn for men. He was complaining about tit-blindness after a day. And this is not a man one would expect to get bored of looking at naked women easily.

Anyway, am subbing a couple of pieces on aphrodisiacs. Two things surprised me in the piece (which is written by a very highly respected - and lovely - sexpert type).

The food that arouses men most through smell alone includes cinnamon buns, roast meat and cheese pizza. Had never thought of pizza as top aphrodisiac but maybe that explains where all the 'seducing pizza bloke' stories come from.

And there was a very handy list of things that make semen taste nice and nasty. Apparently, these things make for sweet spunk:

Plums, pineapples, oranges, lemons, lines, nectarines, coriander, spearmint, grapefruit, peppermint, parsley, green tea and apple juice.

Whereas the following will make for nasty nad-juice:

Asparagus, chicken, dairy products, red meat, broccoli, garlic, onions, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, fried food, spices, coffee and chocolate.

Other than subbing, I've got a piece of erotica to write (erotica not porn as is for a respectable magazine) and an interview to do for a women's magazine. They're doing a feature on my mum and I. Am nervous about my mother talking to the press. She's lovely and very bright but there's just that little bit at the back of my mind going 'And she's got baby pictures of me and knows all those embarrassing stories from when I was a kid...' Have a feeling I may be bribing her with champagne to play nice.

Global Orgasm Day.

Bad writing.

"The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work."

Or the sex related one?

"She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword."

Some of them are almsot works of genius.

Watching Richard and Judy in a distracted way while writing articles. They've got some phone in on chivalry. And the pundit is someone I used to work with. Was very odd seeing the bloke who I remember fondly as 'that bastard who never got his copy in on time' (but was charismatic/shaggable so got away with it) wittering on about why chivalry is a waste of time. Obviously, he got lots of abuse from everyone.

And just got a mail from a mag who approached me a while back to write some filth for them. Hadn't heard back in about 3 months, even though I sent them a sample article as rquested, so thought it had gone cold. But no, turns out they want me to write for them on a regular basis.

Life is good.

Disturbing mud pie and green life warmth references (does contain graphic pics)

Apparently.

After last year's Save Karen, there's a new twist; combining sex - or rather, large breasts - with begging for money.Is bound to work.

Got the Lovers' Guide video through at last. Am in the process of watching it now and am really quite happy with it; looks dead classy and they haven't edited out some of my ruder tips, which is good. Just hope the BBFC don't chop them out.

However, I know that my mates will be mildy amused when they see it because I voiced several of the vox pops - including the first one in the video.

"I'm lazy. Nothing beats lying on my back while he's going down on me. And I can grab his head when I come."

I so shouldn't have been persuaded into recording vox pops by the assistant on the shoot. But he was cute. There are about four other vox pops in there in my voice. Including one with the word 'vagina' in it - a word I would so never use.

My mother will be so proud.

Have now got a big stack of pics of naked people to look through to decide who we're going to use for the next photo shoot. Is still strange having a job where being sent pics of men in clear stages of arousal is work.

This is a good piece of research.

Katy Terraga's Writing Porn for Fun and Profit always has something useful in it (if you do the erotic writing thing, anyway. If not, it's still interesting to find out when the latest BDSM Haiku contest is running) The latest issue is no different. It recommends The Bald-headed Hermit and the Artichoke: An Erotic Thesaurus. Which I now want.

Got a mention on front of boingboing, which is particularly cool from someone as talented as Susannah Breslin. Dead chuffed.

"Hi gran, thought this might be your kind of thing."

I think not.

Could come in handy

I've been writing about shagging all morning. So what's new? Today's topics: oral sex positions, sex standing up, fantasy inspirations, sexercise and a 'what sexual position is best for you?' quiz.

After all that, did yet more budget juggling. Which makes a change, I guess. Am quite pleased that I finally figured out how to do all the equations so it changes all the totals for me. Yes, I know it's easy but I'd just never got round to doing it cos we had a nice FD at my old company who'd do it all for me. Who was I to refuse?

This afternoon, there's the 'which fantasy is best for you?' quiz, a guide to living out fantasies, your fantasy ticklist (for coy lovers to use to show each other what they're into) and then about a million articles on foreplay. Even though we actually want to rebrand foreplay (after chats/inspiration from Heather Corinna and Sabrina Dent) because the word implies that foreplay is only a part of shagging that leads up to the 'main course' rather than a really rather lovely thing in its own right.

But first, I've got to organise a photoshoot for the next few issues of the magazine. The models in the last issue proved really popular, particularly with a lot of my girlie mates, because they were 'pretty but not cliched'. So have to try to find more of the same (can't use the same people as the mag needs some variety).

Will also be going on a rather surreal shopping trip to get all the props and undies we'll need (had my slinkiest stuff nicked at the last photoshoot which was rather annoying).

At long last, the first issue of the magazine is out. Or rather, the half-size sampler is out (16 pages). It's all shiny. And all the edits appear to have been made. Spotted one small mistake and a few tweaks I'd make in hindsight but other than that, am very happy.

However, is hard to tell if it's any cop or not because I've read and re-read the articles in it so many times at production stage (and wrote almost every word). Let's just hope the readers like it.

One down...

Just saw an advert for my mag. On TV. On Sky One. Then got a text from a mate who saw it on Discovery. Other half thinks someone he knows saw it on ITV too. Am now channel-surfing for ad breaks to see if I can find it to video. Feel very sad and pathetic. And dead excited.

It's a decidedly surreal idea but Derangements have certainly come up with an interesting range of gifts... I'd be prepared to bet that the idea was devised in the pub after too much wine.

Got today's Star. No Lovers' Guide mag. Checked the print deadlines document I'd got from repro-boy. Sure enough, today was down as the day the first issue came out. Repro boy clearly fucked up. There's a surprise.

However, it's advertised as been in tomorrow's Star. It's really odd seeing a big advert for 'my' magazine. Doesn't feel real, somehow. Still, only one more day to wait...

So, after my worries that The Star might not be running my piece, I was proved wrong today. It came out - full page (page 44 if you want to read it - obviously, I want you to!) and looked fab. Again, barely a word changed, which always makes me feel good.

Tomorrow is the *big* day though. The Lovers' Guide magazine comes out. There are over 500,000 abbreviated copies going out inserted in The Star (16 pages apiece). It will then be going news stand mid month (32 pages). Am *so* hoping it's well received. Am petrified. And excited.

So, here I am editing the Lovers' Guide magazine (hell, I can name it now 'cos the first issue's out in the next few days). I'm up to issue four, content-wise and have 12 issues planned.

Now, as the writers we've got are disgustingly talented sexperts, I opened up the editorial process to them to an extent; mailed them the page plans but said that if they had any ideas, I was more than happy to consider them.

They are too damned good. I had a swathe of suggestions today for original sex articles that I haven't seen anywhere before. And I've been reading women's mags since the eighties. So of course, this meant that I've had the joy of re-organising the page plans (again) and then, even more fun, playing around with the budget to incorporate the changes.

After that, it was sorting out the barcodes for the front of the mag, arranging the video cover design tweaks for the associated free vid offer and briefing the designer on a new ad.

See, the life of a sex writer really is just as sexy as you'd imagine it to be. But if you're really after some filth, I was quite impressed by this new submission to Cliterati. And rather chuffed that The Friday Thing mentioned this story.

I started the day writing - as is becoming the norm. Today, it was the Messagizer Sex and Loving newsletter - all about how to be a great shag. I love the freedom I get with them; pick a sex related topic and go with it. Although it's surprising how tricky it can be coming up with new ideas at times. I don't want to come up with the usual cliched rubbish but it can be tempting to just do a 'Why hugging is the most important thing' or 'Sexy games to play with your lover' piece. I won't though.

Have had some time to write filth again, which is always good. However, it does lead to hangovers as my best smut by far is written when I'm inebriated. Alcohol also means I often find stories I wrote a month ago and have no recollection of writing them.

This afternoon, I decided to skive off and buy some new undies in the sales. Is surprisingly hard finding suspender belts but I figured that just after Christmas would be the best time to buy them as the lingerie shops get in 'man friendly' undies then. I know this to be true because I used to work in Debenham's lingerie department and every November they'd get in red and black undies in varying degrees of tastelessness. Men would buy them. And every Boxing Day, women would exchange them for white knickers.

Some memories spring to mind that may prove useful. Men, if you go into a lingerie shop, don't say 'It's not for me.' Lingerie salesgirls hear it from damn near every bloke that walks in. Similarly, asking the shop girl to model the undies is not funny when it's the tenth time said girl has been asked that question in a day (it wasn't even funny the first time).

And as to the fuckwit in management who decided to make all the staff wear badges saying 'Ten per cent off anything of your choice in this store.'...

In a shocking state of affairs, I like the vast majority of the population, have got a stinking hangover. Geek party was top night and leather dress was decidedly popular. However, Radio Four screwed up massively. The music all night was provided via MP3s being piped around house via wireless network (seriously geek party) Come midnight, the host turned on Radio 4 to hear the 'bongs'. And Radio 4 said 'We're terribly sorry but we're unable to bring you the countdown'. I can envisage someone losing their job...

Star pieces didn't come out today for some reason, which is irritating. Have no idea when they'll be in now but I've already been paid for them and haven't heard about them being 'killed' so can only assume I got my dates wrong. Ah well.

Was thinking about doing some work today but having a long bath and relaxing is infinitely more tempting. Feel I may just slack off today and then pull an all-nighter if required.

Happy New Year.