So, I'm single. This, as a word, sucks. I keep thinking that words like 'independent' and 'free' are much better. And they will be. Except I never felt I wasn't when I was 'attached'. We did what we wanted to do. We were 'our own people'. Except we both compromised. And while compromise is good, there are levels. And you never realise them until you go too far. Well, you may but we didn't.
As a reality, 'single' sucks more. Not going to go into the reasons why cos, after five and a half years of living together 24/7, that would mean a very long and boring monologue. So I'll keep it short and boring instead.
We still love each other. We're still 'in love' with each other. But shit happens. We may get back together. We may not. But for the time being, it's better to be apart. And it's sad. Very sad. I've done the howling. I've done the anger. I've done more howling. I still stand by this - as does he. But now, it's nostalgia. Well, no, now it's howl inducing but with nostalgia penned in for the future.
Tonight, we went out for the first time and actually were friends rather than lovers/ex lovers. I'm not for a second imagining that we've already made the leap to friends, but it was nice to have that even for an hour or so; it gave a glimpse of what might be.
Life continues as normal. And hell, we may all die tomorrow. There's war going on. There are people dying from attrocities every day. And somehow, much as I know I should be caring about that, right now, I want my little world to be fixed. It's trivial. It's trite. But it matters to me.
But even though, right now, it hurts like fuck, I don't regret a second of it. Love rocks.
It's just sad that it doen't always last forever.
Posted by emilyd at March 24, 2003 01:40 AM