Today started well. As you know, I love The Friday Thing - and today I love them even more than usual 'cos they've got a competition to win copies of the Lovers' Guide video I'll repeat my usual recommendation to sign up for The Friday Thing 'cos it's bloody funny as well as being topical and well written. And funny. I did mention funny?
So, after reading TFT, I moved on to opening the post. I got a Pelvic Toner and Pelvicisor to review. The former is a kind of vibrator shaped thing with bits that you squeeze together with your, well, bits. The latter is a very heavy barbell you insert then have to hold in using Kegel muscles alone. I'll be testing them both (hoping I don't sprain any muscles...) and, from the looks of them, should be able to fire ping pong balls from one side of the house to the other within a week. Not sure what use this will have. Possibly use them as projectile missiles to scare the mice. Hell, it should at least be a surprise for them.
I also got a free ashtray (that weighs a tonne - almost as much as the Pelvicisor) from Marlboro, along with a very expensive catalogue telling me all about Marlboro Country. Frankly, I'd have preferred a pack of fags.
And I got an invitation. No, not to some celeb filled party. Not even to the opening of an envelope somewhere in the East End. No, I got an invitation to have a smear test. Not sure if this is some new ruse to get women to get smears; trying to lend an air of cocktails and canapes to having your bits held open with a bit of metal then scraped with a lollipop stick till they hurt. I know it's one invitation I can't turn down, being a sensible 'sex-positive' feminist type. But god, I wish there was an easier way to do the tests.
So far, I've had 'the time when the doctor used a lube I was allergic to resulting in irritation for a week.', 'the time when the doctor tried to use a speculum that was clearly far too large before saying 'oh, you're quite tight aren't you' Thanks doc, but I'm here for a necessary but dull check up, not compliments.' and possibly my favourite (! yeah, right) 'the time with the medical students arriving mid-way through - 'oh, you don't mind them seeing do you?' - 'well, given they've already been looking up there for a good minute or so they may as well get some educational value out of it rather than just save themselves the price of the latest 'Razzle'.'
Moving swiftly on from genitals to, err, sex, I've just done an interview with Elle magazine, all about, yep, you've guessed it, perviness in general. This was a Cliterati interview rather than Lovers' Guide interview. The journalist was lovely and we spent a fun ten minutes or so talking about swinging, bicuriosity, cybersex, fisting and other random sex-related things.
Got a call through from the Lovers' Guide PRs with my'media appointments' for next week. I'm doing BFBS (British Forces Broadcasting Sevice) next Friday at 1.30pm, so if you know any squaddies, get them to tune in. There are also several other radio stations lined up with times tbc and I'll be doing an interview with Megastar at some stage next week. The Sunday Sport are apparently deciding whether or not I'm 'too rude' for them...
The video is now at number 84 in the charts (woo-hoo) And the latest issue of the Lovers' Guide magazine is out. If you're having problems getting hold of it, you can order the whole lot - with or without a binder - and get them posted to your door. (And if you are having problems getting hold of it, let me know cos I'm currently locking horns with the distribution bods.)
The latest issue contains possibly my favourite line so far out of all of the magazines. As a giant pull quote (in the 'bedroom videos' porn review):
"Ugly men have sex with ludicrously enhanced, miserable looking women while an elephant looks on, confused. In the end, the only emotion aroused is pity. And that's for the elephant."
I wish I could lay claim to that line. But I can't. Alexander Bradley is a god.
Posted by emilyd at February 07, 2003 01:33 PM